i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
