Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
