You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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