Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
