I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
