i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's just like the Real World with babies
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
