omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am puke
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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