Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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