The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's blow job season.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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