walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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