i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
