he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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