my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
