Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
