we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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