Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
