when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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