Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
