"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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