I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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