You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
