Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
