I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The cops high fived after they tackled you
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
