I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
