i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
