Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
