he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
