I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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