Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
