i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
