About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
