He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We were destined to go to rehab together
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
