Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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