Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
