just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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