i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
