At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
