So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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