Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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