Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it's like heaven, but drunker
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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