Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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