I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
