why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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