I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
where does the pee come out of this thing
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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