I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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