I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
