I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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