how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Sober January is a disaster.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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