All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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