Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
