new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
