Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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