I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
