you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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