Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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