I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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