I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
